best jokes you know.?

Aubrey Tirri: I would start by buying a Delorean and installing a Flux Capacitor, enter your desired date into the destination panel then scooting it up to 88mph.

Darcie Peraha: ok, Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."...Show more

Stormy Beliard: no he or she is telling the truth

Marjory Stromme: Actually, this is a myth that has gone on for far too long. In reality, the chicken NEVER did cross the road. It's long been established that chickens have no interest in crossing roads. They do, however, have ! an avid interest in music, art and open toed shoes.

Cortez Badolato: No Because A Lier Will Never Reveal That He Lies.

Wilbert Shellgren: I won't ignore the fact that it was asked but I won't answer either

Tobie Oshea: the answer in common man language is simply... but typical south indian answer would go "ZimbLy da.." where the letter "L" is having a strong stress... and sound comes out with the tounge rolled in...

Autumn Vacio: i believe the poor fellow was actually trying to get away from the cooks at McDonald's. lol

Shawnna Kusky: no then that means he never lies, but then there is a flaw in my answer because the lier still has to be a lier so it is impossible

Filiberto Amauty: Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.Q. What's a mixed feeling?A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.Q. What's the height of conceit?A. Having an orgasm an! d calling out your own name.Q. What's the definition of macho?! A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?A. A guy will actually search for a golf ballQ. Why is divorce so expensive?A. Because it's worth it!Q. What is a Yankee?A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?A. They both like a tight seal.Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?A. Their balls are just for decoration.Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and ' aaaaaaah'?A. About three inches.Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?A. The grip.Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?A. It's not hard.Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?A: Kick his sister in the jaw.Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?A: 45 pounds.Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?A: 45 minutes.Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?A: Breasts don't have eyes.Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the ! bird of true love?A. The swallow.Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?A. They don't have balls to scratch!...Show more

Melissa Lavallie: Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff ar! e better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitche! n and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?""Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?""Well," he whispered, "I donâ! €™t know about the others, but I use the spoon."...Show more

Merna Fauset: i know this is stupid so you can just ignore this question if you want to...

Dee Depung: im a volleyball

Gwenda Micheals: Yup because a liar never says hes a liar.PWNED! o3o

Leif Serabia: idkk

Bud Espenshade: Yes because even liars occasionally tell the truth.

Nicolas Cooley: why did moses wander in the desert for 40 years? he refused to ask for directions.2. Did you know that if adam and eve were aboriginal there wouldn't be any sin in the world?because he would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.cheers

Pasquale Pollet: yes

Gwenda Micheals: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?Lickalotapuss.Okay, here's a longer one...So Andy and Mary were in Sunday class, and Mary kept falling asleep. The teacher says "Mary, who is God's son?" Andy notices that Mary is asleep so he pokes her with a pen to wake her up. "JESUS CHRIST" Mary said. So a bit later t! he teacher asks Mary "Who do we pray to every day" and Andy wakes her u! p again my poking her with a pen and Mary awakens and says "GOOD LORD!!" Later on the teacher asks Mary "What did Eve say to Adam after she gave birth to her 15th child?" Andy pokes Mary again... "QUIT POKING ME WITH THAT STICK BEFORE I BREAK IT IN HALF!!"And one just for giggles:Two peanuts walk into a bar... One was assaulted....Show more

Whitney Saborido: Fav evr (if told well)What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?RUN!!!! THERE'S A GRENADE IN HER MOUTH!!!!...Show more

Foster Padgette: what did the robot say to the centipede?STOP BEING A CENTIPEDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...Show more

Dallas Bartolini: yes, he is lying becoz i had an experience on it

Rona Ising: Have you heard the one about the blonde that went to "Jokes & Riddles" & asked for jokes & riddles, instead of reading the jokes & riddles?

Carlton Lastrapes: if you can't take a joke..............take the BUS!!...Show more

Toney Flaten: To see the man laying bricks.

Refu! gio Gastineau: To get to the other side. You're either very very young or very very old.That's been around since eternity

Michelle Sohre: I've got one for ya:If a person, who always tells the truth, says that he always lies - Is he telling the truth?

Randal Deyarmond: Yes, he's lying. There, I've done it.

Phil Kuarez: If a lier says he always lies, is he lying?you cant do it....Show more

Lyndon Mattas: Read this:(NOTE: this is a "play" the scene is when a woman and a man were at a resturant dating for the first time)Man- Finally, I was waiting for this momentWoman- Do you want me to leave?Man- No, not in a million of yearsWoman- Do you think im pretty?Man- Ofcourse!Woman- Would you hurt me?Man- No im not the kinda guyWoman-Am i your type?Man- Yes, Yes, a million times YES!!!Woman- Do you hate me?.............NOW, read it backwards!...Show more

Lahoma Beadell: The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge.When! the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning agains! t the wall.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning against the wall over there.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative.He seems to be doing ok now..... I guess." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy?? You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!?" The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not?? Look at him over there! Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!....."An old woman walks into a singles bar looking for a little action. A distinguished older gentleman approaches her and they really hit it off. After a few drinks they decide to get a hotel room and get it on. As they sit naked on the bed, the old man takes out his hearing aids and moves in. The old woman stops him and says, "before we do this, i should tell you i have acute angina." The old man looks at her, smiles and says, I sure hope so, cause you got ugly ****." An old man, went! to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady.he says to her boy u have a big a$$...she goes...why you.....and starts smacking him around.he goes in the mens room...fixes him self up....combs/fixes his hair.....straightens out his glasses...puts his teeth back in etc. He goes back and sits beside the same lady.He says to her....boy u got small boobs.....she says do i really...hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger.She says how. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off....take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs.! ..she says omg...do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why woul! dnt it....it worked on your big a$$ didnt it...A bus stops and 2 men get on with really strong accents. They sit down andhave a conversation.The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following:"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two esses acoma together. Icome once-a-more. Two esses, they comma together again. Icome again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.""You dirty-mouth pigs," yelled the lady.” In this country . . . we don't speak dirty in public places about our sex lives. . . ""Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you?," said the man. "Who talkin' aboutasex?I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."so theres this doctor that did circumcisions.After many years he decides its time to retire.All the circumsicions he did over the years,he saved the foreskins.He took the big garbag full of foreskins to his friend who works at a leather company.He says"Make me something nice out of th! ese foreskins,cuz im retiring." His friend says"Come back in 2 weeks and ill have something nice for you."So he goes in 2 weeks to see what his friend made him.When he shows up 2 weeks later,his friend presents him with 5 nice wallets. He says to his friend"wallets!? Is that all i get after all these years!?" His friend says"Relax my friend.You see its not just ordinary wallets. After you rub them for a while,it becomes a 5 piece luggage set." mothers have a day called mothers day, fathers have a day called fathers day so what day do Single men have? Palm Day!Did you hear about the old lady that hated flies until she opened one?blonde version of who wants to be a millionaire:fastest finger question: put these Rocky movies in order starting with the earliest.....Rocky 1,Rocky 2,Rocky 3,Rocky 4These 2 blonde girls drove to Disneyland.They saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" So they went left and went back home. They found 2 blonde girls frozen to death in their car at the ! drive-in movie theatre. They went to see "Closed For The Winter".why can! t blondes make kool-aidthey cant figure out how they get 8 cups water in the koolaid packetDid you hear about the blonde that was fired at the M&M company?They caught her throwing away all the W'S.Doctor (using a stethoscope): "Big breaths."Blond: Yeth. And I'm not even thickteen yet how did the blonde get square boobsshe forgot to take the kleenix out of the boxthis blonde ladys friend was somewhat injured and needed to go to the hospital for medical attention.So she eventually got her to the emrgency.So the nurse at the er asked her why didnt she just cal "911"? The blonde lady said"well i couldnt find the "11" button."two blondes are walking in the woods when one spots tracks and says, "hey look, bear tracks!" to which the other blonde replies, "no those are deer tracks!" they argue for about an hour. next morning, news headlines read:two blondes, killed by train....Show more

Krystal Cordovano: Becoz destiny was waiting on the other side.

Lorelei Lilburn: to! get to the sausage on the other sidemakes no sense I know but it was the first joke I told my mum and dad at 5 and I thought it was hilarious

Jen Maday: To kick u for asking such a stupid question

Foster Koopmann: I am on sequence 6 and I have lost the forest/lumber category in my stockpile. How do I get it back? I was eager to start making a profit and i sent a convoy without paying much attention to who I sent and what I sent. It was attacked and I can't find the sheild icon to defend it. Can you send your forest guys on the convoy? Also, if you have no lumber in your stockpile does that make the forest option disappear until they make more?

Ilana Gaster: i shall ignore it..thnx 4 the 2!!!

Buddy Ardd: Yes he is lying, because if he did lie all the time and he just admitted to it, then that itself is a truth. So he lies occasionally.